I Was Sexually Harassed at My First Job—Here's What I Know Now

Note from the Editors: The author of this article tells her experience of being sexually harassed at her internship—which is a story, and a truth, that deserves to be told. In order for it to be told in the most authentic, vulnerable light possible, and out of respect for the writer, the author's identity will remain anonymous. The abuser will be referred to as "Mark".

When I got an internship with a television show in New York City my senior year of college, I was not expecting that I’d have to deal with sexual harassment—or the confusion and anxiety that came with it. But who really does?

It’s not in the orientation packet, and it certainly wasn’t expected after the rise of the #MeToo movement, after the slew of major media moguls who lost their jobs due to sexual harassment of their peers. Looking at you, Weinstein.

What’s worse is that my harasser acted in such a way that I questioned my own actions and blamed myself for what happened. He was subtle, and he knew exactly what he was doing.  

Subtle harassment is a very tricky genre of sexual harassment. It can completely tear apart the victim’s mind and make her feel heavy with guilt for walking into his games. In comparison, sexual harassment tends to be more direct while subtle harassment is more implied… but still completely present. Some subtle actions can include: work conversations slowly turning into sexual/personal ones, invading one’s personal space, any sort of touching whatsoever, and more that I’ll discuss in a bit.

I’ve since learned that subtle sexual harassers such as the one I worked with are the best at mind games. Thanks to a strong support system, I was able to get through the semester with my head held high, and I warned incoming interns so they could avoid him once my semester there was finished. Because of that, a lot of potential harassment was prevented. Most importantly, I wasn’t going to let a man get in the way of experiencing one of the best internships ever.

If you’ve ever experienced something like this (or may be experiencing it now), here's my advice for what you can do to shut down the unwelcomed actions and get the most out of your work experience.

The Internship

The most important thing I wanted to get out of my internship was the connections. I looked up to so many people at the show; the producers, the production assistants, the supervisors, and Mark*.

Mark was a friendly, very personable man who worked at the show. He spent a lot of his days in the same room as me, so we had plenty of time to talk to each other. He genuinely seemed like a harmless guy with a sort of understanding for interns—like we were actually humans and not just pack mules (shocker!).

I didn’t think much of the interactions Mark and I had until things started feeling a bit off. For the first few weeks, things were so subtle that I couldn’t have explained the situation if I’d tried. But then the little “things” turned into bigger...“things.” Mark would linger nearby whenever I was around. I felt like the conversations started feeling forced and awkward. He would “brush past” me in the hallways and make “friendly” physical contact: a light shoulder touch or patting my arm in conversation. And it kept getting weirder as the weeks went on.

When Things Got Weird

One winter day, my mom and I decided to stay a couple nights in the city so I wouldn’t have to commute in an approaching snowstorm. Mark invited the both of us out to dinner at his favorite restaurant after my shift was over. I was thrilled! To me, I thought that I had an opportunity to network with him, maybe even talk about potential job opportunities. But what about my suspicions?

I decided to ignore my seemingly irrational worries about him. I pushed the thoughts away and decided I was going to have a good time. Plus, my mom was there, and nothing bad would happen while she was there—right?

Wrong. The entire night was just weird. Mark would occasionally grab my arm very tightly and whisper things in my ear. He would touch my leg under the table. He urged my mom and I to try the wine. He kept touching me when he talked to me—something that he tried to play off as casual and “acceptable,” despite the fact that I pulled away every time. We certainly didn’t network.

I was disappointed—not with how the night went, but with myself. When my mom and I got back to the hotel that night, I kept kicking myself about how stupid it was to think that I was actually going to talk about opportunities with him. I felt even worse for ignoring my instincts.

When Subtle Escalated

And then the next morning, I had talked myself out of it again. “This is all in my head,” I kept thinking. And that’s how they get in your head. I continuously blamed myself for his actions instead of rightfully accusing him of acting this way. On that day, Mark had invited the two of us to sit in the audience for a television show near our hotel. Again, I pushed away my worries and focused on having a good time. My mom was excited, and I tried to be, too.

It was during the taping that I immediately realized: no, this was not all in my head. I left the studio during a commercial break to use the restroom. As soon as I came back, I found him sitting next to my mom, chatting with her.

He saw me, got up out of the seat, and took my hand. Careful not to attract my mom’s attention, he brushed my hand against his crotch while she wasn’t looking. His crotch! I immediately felt like the dirtiest person on the planet. I felt scummy and awful, like it was all my fault.

Smiling, Mark turned to my mom and said, “Enjoy the rest of the show, ladies.” Then he walked out of the studio as the show was about to go live. I couldn’t focus on the rest of the show; I felt taken advantage of and I felt like I played into his awful games knowingly.

This form of sexual abuse is also known by a different name that you may have heard before: sexual grooming. This is when the abuser gains the victim’s trust by gradually doing favors for her until she lets her guard down. She may feel indebted to the abuser for being so giving. This is why sexual grooming can be so psychologically draining—it happens over a long period of time.

Verbalization

From that point on I kept my distance from him. When I went back to my internship the next week, I felt nervous and even more awkward. Mark tried to talk to me as if nothing ever happened.

I kept going back and forth in my head about telling someone what had happened. My biggest fear was that word was going to spread around the crew, and the blame was going to fall on me. I worked hard to perfect my reputation at this internship, and I wasn’t going to let him ruin it.

I had it all wrong. In fact, when I finally decided to verbalize everything that happened, my friends were incredibly supportive. Like, duh! I should’ve known they would be from the start. After that, I decided to tell the interns who were going to take my position once my semester was over.

Now, I didn’t tell my supervisor or anyone else. Could I have? Definitely. But I decided I was only going to warn the new interns so they wouldn’t have to experience the same things I did.

And guess what? They took my warnings seriously. Throughout their semester, they didn’t even look Mark in the eye. And he didn’t bother them at all. I’m proud of them for sticking to their gut feelings and avoiding him.

This whole internship was an eye-opening experience for me. I learned things I didn’t think I would have to ever come in contact with. I’ve realized that I never thought Mark was sexually harassing me because he never explicitly said inappropriate things to me behind closed doors, and he never did some of the things you and I hear about on the news. But he knew exactly what he was doing, and he was subtle about his actions.

What You Can Do About It

If something like this has ever happened to you or you think you might be going through it now, here are some words of advice:

1. Document Everything

EqualRights.org lists this as an important tip if you’re being harassed. Documenting your experiences, interactions and noting any witnesses can serve as a timeline of events if you decide to talk to your supervisor, boss, or authorities. A good friend of mine suggested I start emailing her so I could jot down everything that happened with Mark. This way, it was “logged” and had a timestamp on it. It might feel a little weird at first, but it’ll come in handy later on if things between you and your harasser escalate. Make sure to keep your notes in a safe place.

2. Speak Up

He might be trying to play mind games with you, but you’re way smarter than that. The National Sexual Violence Resource Center says that 63 percent of sexual abuse goes unreported—don’t be in this statistic! If you have an inkling of a feeling that he’s messing with you, investigate those feelings, voice them, and report it.

3. Don't Hold It In

Don’t bottle it up. Ladies, this tip goes for just about everything in life. Don’t keep it to yourself! I’m not saying to shout it on a mountaintop, but it helps to pull aside a good friend, your mom, or some other trustworthy person and tell them what you’ve been going through. If you feel like there’s no one around you to talk to, RAINN.org provides numerous outlets to reach out to anonymously.

4. File It

If you have supportive supervisors or not, you are able to file a charge of discrimination with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. Beware of deadlines—most time limits for filing a charge are 180 or 300 days after you experienced the harassment. You can even file a charge online if you aren’t able to talk to a representative of EEOC in person.

5. Know Your Rights

No matter what your position is within the company, you deserve respect from your coworkers. AAUW.org can help you understand your legal protections. Sexual harassment violates Title VII of the Civil Rights Act of 1964. The law was created so that you can feel safe at your internship/job. Therefore, you won’t be a burden by speaking the truth about the situation to a higher up. Sexual harassment is against the law.

And lastly...

6. Remember That You Deserve Better

Don’t let him get in the way of your overall experience! You worked hard to get to where you are. Savor your lessons learned from your coworkers and peers. He doesn’t get to control your time spent there. Don’t let him.

I’m sorry if you’ve ever had to go through anything related to this. I hope my story has brought you some confidence with your own matters. Whether you’ve experienced this or something worse, you are more than capable of dealing with the situation. The dismal truth of the matter is that too many women experience sexual harassment in the workplace, and although the recent breakthrough of the #MeToo movement is strong all around the country, your story matters and you deserve to be treated fairly.