I'm really bad with names.
I'm not a morning person. I'm trying to quit smoking. I'm just so bad at math.
You're familiar with statements like these—and maybe you've uttered a few of them at one time or another. These are the kind of statements that are tied directly to your identity and to who you believe yourself to be.
Statements like these are often also tied to societal norms, but that's a whole other bag of beans.
Often, we use self-qualifying statements like these as a way to stop ourselves in our tracks. These types of phrases protect us from "failed" attempts to try something new in our personal lives—like building a new morning routine, learning a new skill, or quitting a bad habit.
We wanted to talk about habits—and specifically about the misconceptions having to do with habits. What are habits? What aren't habits? What's a good habit as opposed to a bad habit—and how do we kick bad habits in the butt? How long does it take to start a new habit? How do you keep the motivation to keep your healthy habits in the long term?
To answer some of these questions, we turned to the New York Times Bestseller Atomic Habits* by James Clear.
According to Clear, the phrases above are a product of "identity-based habits." Clear explains, "Once you have adopted an identity, it can be easy to let your allegiance to it impact your ability to change."
This was a little bit of a lightbulb for me. We all have these roadblocks that can make certain things seem impossible because of our perceived identities.
In order to kick old habits or start new ones, we need to have an honest talk with ourselves about who we are versus who we believe ourselves to be. From there, we could work on habits—ditching bad ones and creating others that encourage forward movement.
Let's dive in.
*If you buy something through our links, Career Contessa may earn an affiliate commission.
What's a Habit, Anyway?
To start, here are a few definitions for the word "habit."
- A habit is a "settled or regular tendency or practice, especially one that is hard to give up."
- A habit is "an acquired behavior pattern regularly followed until it has become almost involuntary."
- A habit, "from the standpoint of psychology, [is] a more or less fixed way of thinking, willing, or feeling acquired through previous repetition of a mental experience."
Habits become "habitual" when they transform into unintentional tendencies. But how long does that take?
How Long "Should" It Take to Quit a Bad Habit?
Many of us are familiar with the "21-day rule," which says that good habits take approximately three weeks to "stick." This "rule" came from anecdotal evidence from a 1950s plastic surgeon, Maxwell Maltz.
When performing operations, Maltz noticed that it would take his patients around 21 days to get used to their new faces. His experiences prompted him to think about his own behaviors and habits. Of these observations, Maltz noted, “These, and many other commonly observed phenomena tend to show that it requires a minimum of about 21 days for an old mental image to dissolve and a new one to jell.”
This quote was published in a book called Psycho-Cybernetics, which sold 30 million copies—so you can see where the 21-day rule came to be law.
The "Real" Timeline of Changing a Habit
The thing about Maltz's 21-day advice is that, even though he was a doctor, he was relying on his experience, anecdotal evidence, and how he operated (no pun intended, seriously).
Health psychology researcher Phillippa Lally released a study that followed the habits of 96 people over 12 weeks.
Her study found that, on average, it takes more than two months, or 66 days, for a new behavior to become a habit. However, this study also found that it can take anywhere from 18 days to 254 days to form a new habit.
So, instead of 21 days, it can take up to three-quarters of an entire year to form a new habit. This makes sense when you consider that some habits are smaller adjustments (e.g., replacing soda with water) and others are bigger (e.g., "becoming" a runner).
How to Embrace the "Long Road" of Habit Change
Another reason we embraced the 21-day rule? Changing a habit in 21 days sounds a lot more palatable than taking eight months. We're humans, and we like things to happen within a quicker timeframe.
So, I turned back to James Clear for some advice on how to embrace the long road to a goal. Here's what he had to say in regard to creating new habits.
- Defeat defeat: I think we're all familiar with "trying something out" and feeling like it's "not working." As individuals, it's tough to track changes when we're going through it. In order to defeat the feeling of defeat, lean into the process. Document your journey. Outline smaller steps you can implement on the route to your ultimate goal stick with it.
- Step away from perfection: We talk about this—a lot—at Career Contessa. Perfection doesn't exist, so don't expect it when changing your habits. If you "mess up" on a particular day, you haven't failed. Your goal of healthy eating didn't "fail" because you had a single doughnut.
- Embrace the process: Habits are a process and not an overnight event. Create a process for achieving your goal. Let it be a longer process. I'd highly recommend picking up Atomic Habits to help you build a system that works for you.
How to Create Good Habits
Often, when you're doing away with unhealthy habits, you might want to go a step further. You may want to replace "unhealthy" habits with "better" ones.
Let me use myself as an example. I can tend to be a chronic phone picker-upper. Whether I'm nervous, bored, stressed, or too busy to breathe, I have (what I would call) the bad habit of picking up my phone and starting an endless scroll.
So, we talked about timelines and general advice, but if I wanted to change a bad habit or implement a new habit starting today, how would I do it? Here's a 5-step method to follow.
1. Change How You Speak About Yourself (e.g., Say “I am a writer” vs. “I’m working on my writing.”)
I gasped when I read this section of Atomic Habits. This step might be the most difficult because it's the most internalized. Sometimes, the impediment to forming new habits is what happens deep inside ourselves. Consider a goal or a habit you'd like to strive for. What sort of language is your typical impediment? How can you adjust it?
2. Create Routines That Support Habits and Goals
Once you've created your goal, map it out. Create a process that supports your overarching goal. Consider supplementing it with smaller goals to keep you on track.
3. Surround Yourself With Supportive Individuals
We all know that we are heavily influenced by those we surround ourselves with, but cutting out toxicity is more difficult than it seems. If you're working on a certain goal, you'll want to surround yourself with those who will be more supportive. For example, if you're looking to become a morning person, you'll probably want to give your late-night party friends a break.
4. Create an Environment Conducive to Your “Good” Habits
Just like surrounding yourself with the people who will buttress your new habits, you'll want your environment to fit it, too. Create an environment in which your habits can thrive. For example, if you're trying to quit smoking, you'll want to skip the "ciggie breaks" at work. Instead, create a new "space" for your new habits. Might I suggest a reading nook or a knitting corner?
5. Build Slowly (And Take It Easy on Yourself)
Your habits will take a minute (or a few months) to build, so give yourself grace. Build slowly. In fact, when creating your processes, build as slowly as possible, and work from there. If you "fall off" for a day, you haven't failed.
A List of Good Habits to Start (Today?)
Now that we've gone over the science of habits, how to break habits, how to make room to create new habits, and some of the most common misconceptions about habits, let's start a new, good habit.
The good news is that you can start as small as you like. For example, starting to exercise more doesn't mean that you have to go out and run five miles today. You can start with a ten-minute stretch routine, a walk around the block, or ten jumping jacks. The entry point is up to you! You can build upon them and proceed as it suits your life and schedule.
Real Examples of Healthy Habit-Changing
How I Stopped Scrolling and Started Reading, from Our Content Director Caileen Holden
What: When I was pregnant with my second child, I had pretty severe insomnia—and I wanted to stop scrolling for hours in the middle of the night, so I started picking up books instead.
How: I kept a book on my bedside table instead of my phone. Instead of doomscrolling, I used my insomnia minutes and hours to read books!
Outcome: I nipped my bad blue light doomscrolling habit in favor of reading so many good books. I read upwards of 50 books while I was pregnant, and it's now part of my nightly routine. I rarely go to bed without reading at least a little bit.
What: When I was pregnant with my second child, I had pretty severe insomnia—and I wanted to stop scrolling for hours in the middle of the night, so I started picking up books instead.
How: I kept a book on my bedside table instead of my phone. Instead of doomscrolling, I used my insomnia minutes and hours to read books!
Outcome: I nipped my bad blue light doomscrolling habit in favor of reading so many good books. I read upwards of 50 books while I was pregnant, and it's now part of my nightly routine. I rarely go to bed without reading at least a little bit.
As for the habit to choose from this list of good habits, take a minute to reflect on your negative habits and the type of personal development that makes sense for you.
Do you get enough sleep? Have you wanted to engage in more physical activity or join a gym? What are the obstacles that have kept you from these behavior changes?
Here are some examples of positive habits to infuse into your daily routines.
- Exercise daily (start as small as you'd like!)
- Create a morning routine
- Get more quality sleep
- Put your phone down more often
- Give your budget a trim (a great place to start is by looking at recurring subscriptions!)
- Start a gratitude journal (or a bullet journal, work journal, or regular journal)
- Create a mantra or positive affirmations to repeat daily—or in challenging situations
- Stretch (and relax your jaw)
- Improve your posture
- Keep track of your moods and mental health
- Start a meditation practice
- Laugh every day
- Practice self-reflection
- Connect (or reconnect) with your loved ones
- Compliment others
- Learn a new skill
- Listen instead of talking
- Abstain from gossip
- Take breaks
- Make new friends
- See some art
- Try something new every day
- Root out negativity with positive self-talk
- Up your flossing routine (and schedule your dentist appointment)
- Curb impulse spending
- Make new recipes
- Start eating good, healthy foods
- Replace scrolling with reading
- Work on your self-esteem
- Practice mindfulness
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