Photo by Carla Anne on Unsplash
Have you ever felt unable to progress in your career due to feelings of jealousy and extreme envy?
They got that client to sign? Did they receive that promotion? I can’t stand how he never makes a single mistake!
We’ve all experienced jealousy at work because we are humans. In fact, a study from the University of California San Diego discovered that 79 percent of women and 74 percent of men reported feeling envious of someone within the previous year.
But what happens when workplace jealousy gets out of control? Suddenly, it can feel like your job description has changed from Product Project Manager to Director of Destroying Debbie.
The pay grade for that job is not worth it. Trust me.
When you’re on the other side of jealousy, too, things get weird. If you sense that you have an overly jealous coworker or a jealous boss, you might also fear for the future of your job.
It doesn't feel good to experience feelings of inadequacy in your own life and career. Since a ton of self-worth is tied to our careers (thanks, Capitalism!), jealous feelings are all too common in the workplace.
Like many negative workplace emotions, it’s essential to identify and exterminate these feelings before they lose control. Or, if we can’t get rid of jealousy entirely (remember how we’re humans and it’s kind of in our nature?) we can learn how to use it to our favor without “taking anyone down.”
Let’s talk about that green monster—the one that might reside under your bed and, sometimes, follows you to work.
The Psychology of Workplace Jealousy
We’re constantly comparing ourselves to others. People constantly evaluate themselves and others in domains like attractiveness, wealth, intelligence, and success.
In the workplace, when all of those elements are on constant display and there’s monetary gain, jealousy and envy can get out of hand pretty fast.
Social comparison theory was developed by psychologist Leon Festinger in 1954. It’s the idea that individuals determine their own social and personal worth based on how they stack up against others.
It’s the equivalent of looking at your neighbor’s homework instead of focusing on your own.
As these studies advanced, we found that social comparison can be good. It can lead to increased motivation and friendly competition. However, it can also have huge drawbacks, like dissatisfaction, guilt, dishonesty, and other destructive behaviors.
As we navigate our careers, the chance of catching the jealousy bug (or having someone direct their envy towards you) only increases. It’s no surprise, either. As 51 percent of Americans report that their jobs give them their sense of identity, the workplace is a great place for jealousy and envy to fester.
Career jealousy also peaks in the mid-career phase. Reports have shown that jealousy levels among employees in their 20s stand at about 22 percent. By their 40s, jealousy rates almost double to 43 percent. This makes sense, too. Between your 20s and 40s, your career can take off or feel as if it’s in a stagnation state.
So jealousy happens. It’s what we do with our jealousy that’ll make all the difference in the world.
The Signs of Jealousy at Work + How to Stop Feeling Envious
Let’s start with you. Chances are that you’ve felt jealousy at some point in your work life. In fact, studies related to social comparison theory have proven that around 10% of our daily thoughts revolve around some sort of envy, jealousy, or comparison thoughts.
We’ve all likely experienced a little occupational envy. Low self-esteem, insecurity, and anxiety play huge roles in jealousy—especially at work.
In fact, that same envy might be precisely what urged us to expand our skillset, enroll in a management course, or go after that promotion that we didn’t feel quite qualified enough to get.
Occupational envy can be healthy. It can trigger huge intrinsic motivation and propel you forward! We think that’s pretty exciting, actually.
The thing with jealousy is that it can get out of control—and quickly. If you begin to fixate on someone else’s success, you might lose sight of your ability to create your own.
Before we go into what to do when someone is jealous of you, let’s make sure we’re keeping our own jealousy in check.
Here are four tips to identity curb your own jealousy at work.
1. Recognize the Jealousy “Ick”
I’m unsure how to describe the feeling of unhealthy jealousy other than a feeling of ick in the bottom of your belly. Jealousy can manifest as feelings of disdain, sadness, vulnerability, and even depression.
At work, it can happen without any warning. You might even find yourself quietly casting eye daggers towards your work BFF.
“I mean, she got that promotion because she got lucky. Whatever!”
When a foreign thought, like negative feelings towards your most beloved coworker, flashes into your head, that’s a good indicator that you’ve caught a little green monster.
Recognizing jealousy is the first step to eradicating it. We’re all going to have some kinds of unsavory thoughts that invade our heads. Make sure you clean out the cobwebs quickly.
2. Choose to Use Envy to Improve Yourself
Your next step is to redirect your jealousy. Part of the reason that envy is so icky is that it distracts us—and so convincingly!
Like how you’re scowling at the back of your work BFF’s head because she got the promotion that you wanted.
Redirect that garbage feeling. The antidote to jealousy is support and acceptance. Choose to be happy for her; choose to lift her up instead of dragging her down with you. Even if you need to fake it at first, try it out.
Next, pick her brain! See what you could work on to improve your performance and ready yourself for the next promotion that comes along.
This is a great way to help your self-confidence while eradicating pesky thoughts, judgments, and your own insecurities.
3. Write Your Feelings Down
In short, when you feel jealousy, try to hold a mirror to it and use it to improve yourself. This is energy much better spent. You might even start a journal where you can suss out your feelings when it comes to jealousy, resentment, and other psychological obstacles in the workplace.
Write down some of your jealous thoughts. You might even find that they are a little embarrassing once committed to paper. That's one great practice to help you shift your perspective.
- Is your coworker's raise actually a personal betrayal? Not likely.
- Is your work BFF actually your rival? Hopefully not!
- Did the promotion go to the wrong person or are you feeling the sting of rejection? Explore that.
4. Talk It Out
When you really dive in and explore overwhelming jealousy that borders on rage, you might be able to trace your jealousy back to another root cause. Perhaps your last toxic job created trauma and paranoia. Your negative emotions might have nothing at all to do with your current job.
If you find that your feelings of envy are increasingly overwhelming, consider speaking with a therapist about it. You could have trust issues or mental health struggles that are deeper than what you've imagined—and it's more than worth understanding how to navigate them.
5. Don’t Hold it Against Someone Else — Work With Them
This is a tricky one, too. It's easy to assume that, once your coworker gets a big raise and promotion, they will leave you in the dust. But, is that actually true, or are you shutting yourself out and spending time with feelings of envy instead?
When you experience jealousy, especially prolonged jealousy, that green-eyed monster can convince you that you hate everyone around you.
You probably don’t. Even if you do inherently dislike the coworkers achieving success, try not to hold their success against them. Again, redirect your energy to something positive within yourself.
Jealousy and envy are literally useless emotions unless they are used for self-improvement. Funnel some of your more jealous behavior into positive development.
Sometimes, you also might surprise yourself when you attempt to positively redirect your energy. You might find that you’re actually not jealous at all. When your work BFF was promoted to manager, you might realize that you’re jealous of her salary increase, but you don’t even want to be a manager, anyway.
Another good reminder, even if you hate your boss or coworker, is that you’re ultimately on the same team. Team members can and should work together to the best of their ability.
6. You Never (Ever) Know the Full Story
Rule #1 of 21st-century jealousy?
When you're feeling the irrational frustration that comes with jealousy, remember that you are only getting one percent of the story. Social media is a highlight reel. LinkedIn is a mega highlight reel.
You don’t know what you don’t know. The personas we communicate through social channels and glossy materials are meant to convey success, not struggle.
Remember that the jealousy and envy you’re experiencing are tiny pieces of a very large puzzle. You never know what another human is going through. Keep that in mind.
Is Jealousy at Work Good or Bad? The Two Types of Jealousy at Work
There are two main types of jealousy. While they both can come pretty naturally, one is decidedly less damaging than the other.
- Benign Jealousy = Not so bad.
- Malicious Jealousy = Very bad.
Benign envy is usually linked to a motivation problem. As such, benign jealousy can actually be a good thing—as it provides a model for the envious party to improve their work.
In stark contrast, malicious envy is when jealousy loses its track. The person experiencing jealousy or envy is likelier to attempt to sabotage the other person. Instead of looking inward to improve their own work, they focus on taking the other person down.
5 Signs Your Coworkers Are Jealous + How to Handle Envious Coworkers
We put together this list of common signs of jealousy losing control and taking over in a not-so-pretty way. If you recognize any of these signs, you might be experiencing jealousy or dangerous envy directed towards you.
1. A Heightened Attention to Your Mistakes and Flubs
If you’re experiencing success at work, an overly jealous worker might be watching you like a hawk. As such, they are lying in wait to catch any mistakes or flubs that you make. You’re a human and you’re going to make some mistakes from time to time.
What to Do:
When your jealous coworker calls out your mistake, give them a thank you. This “kill ‘em with kindness” response might even embarrass the jealous party.
Try something like this:
“Hey [NAME], Thanks for spotting this mistake. I appreciate you keeping a detailed eye out for me. In the future, I’ll make sure to [EXPLAIN RECOURSE] so that this doesn’t happen again.”
2. Public Call Outs
This is a bit of an extension of the last sign.
If a jealous party is overly concerned with your work, they are likely to call you out whenever they can. Don’t be surprised when they try to undermine you on an email thread, in a meeting, or in front of your boss or an important client.
What to Do:
Here’s the thing about jealousy—especially malicious jealousy. It’s obvious! If someone is keeping close tabs on you, they’re not only neglecting their own work, but everyone can clearly see that they’ve made it their new job to hurt you.
Take the high road again. It looks good on you.
3. Passive-Aggressive Comments About Merit
“You got that raise because the client thinks you’re pretty.”
Whoaaaaaa there. Okay, that's actually downright aggressive (among many other problematic things).
If someone is being passive-aggressive, it's sort of their problem, but that doesn't mean it doesn't sting. Everyone should feel a sense of psychological safety at work. When someone constantly undermines you, that safety dissipates until it vanishes entirely.
What to Do:
Take note, but try to ignore it. Passive-aggressive behavior is embarrassing. If this kind of passive behavior continues, though, you might have no choice but to address it.
Just like our advice for dealing with a passive-aggressive boss, respond to unrelenting passive aggression by asking questions like:
- Did I make a mistake?
- Is there something I should have done differently?
- Are you unhappy with something I did?
Passive-aggressive behavior is ultimately childish and transparent. If you’re noticing and experiencing this, it’s likely that others are, too.
4. Shooting Down Your Ideas
If a coworker or your boss is feeling jealous or envious, they might also try to shut down the ideas that you present.
This is an excellent example of where jealousy is actually getting in the way of producing good work. If you feel your ideas are being unfairly shut down, you should definitely speak up.
What to Do:
When your ideas are being shot down before they get any life, consider asking a line of questions—just like we did when dealing with passive-aggressive behavior.
- What about this idea is problematic?
- Is there a way we can collaborate to make this work?
- What can I improve on in the future to make this idea better?
If this isn’t an isolated event, consider bringing data-driven evidence to support your idea. It could be a similar project and its success. This is another reason that it's always smart to create and measure your own KPIs throughout your career. You never know when you might need all those receipts.
5. Avoidance of Face-to-Face Interaction or Short and Curt Communication
Finally, when jealousy gets really out of control, your boss or coworker might avoid you altogether, reserving their snippy comments and passive-aggressive replies to email or a messaging platform.
What to Do:
Well, great! If they’re creating a paper trail of envy-driven behavior, keep a file.
If it feels like they’re purposefully avoiding you—even digitally—you may want to start to copy others on emails, too. This way, someone else can see what’s happening and whether it’s creating a bottleneck or disturbance is getting things done.
In Conclusion
There is recourse if you’ve identified a few envious behaviors directed at you or your work.
It’s tricky and awkward, but you can have a discussion with your jealous coworker, your jealous boss, or even HR (if you have a suspicion that you’re being actively sabotaged).
Finally, try to be the person who doesn't need to consider jealousy as one of their defining traits at work. There are always ways to redirect negativity and turn it into a positive. Let's work together to do it!
