Gaslighting at Work, Explained: 9 Gaslighter Behaviors

Your boss promises you a raise in return for a huge project. Being the stellar employee you are, you exceed expectations. However, once you hit “send” on your deliverables, there's never another peep about that raise. Worse, when you confront your boss, he blames you. "What are you even talking about?" he asks.

Instead of apologizing, or even discussing it further, he plays the victim.

“Why are you going crazy on me? Don’t you see how hard I’m working?” he snaps.

Suddenly, you’re the one apologizing. Nobody likes to be called crazy (more reasons not to do that on Bustle). But since we can’t stir up an HR storm for every conflict, we explain it away: everyone says things they regret. And (sigh) maybe we did overreact.

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These moments are subtle, but they’re more harmful to your mental health than you think. And they have a name: gaslighting, where people use lies, false promises, and personal attacks to make you question your own sanity, your memory, your sense of reality…basically everything. If gaslighting is happening in an employee/supervisor relationship, it can be even more confusing.

To that end, we're breaking down exactly how to deal with this type of workplace harassment.  

What Is Gaslighting?

In 2022, Merriam-Webster's word of the year was "gaslighting." Why? Gaslighting is a form of emotional abuse that happens in many settings. Gaslighting happens in abusive relationships, in the workplace, and even in medical settings.

According to Psychology Today, gaslighting is “a tactic in which a person or entity, in order to gain more power, makes a victim question their reality.” Gaslighters manipulate to control you. When successful, masters of this psychological manipulation have their victims doubt the validity of their own thoughts.

When gaslighting goes on for an extended period, you are less likely to stop it. Eventually, you feel like maybe, just maybe, you really are the "crazy" one.

Dr. Stephanie Sarkis, author of Gaslighting: Recognize Manipulative and Emotionally Abusive People—and Break Free, notes that gaslighters are master liars. The catch is, they do it so boldly that the victim is left feeling confused. Did they really just lie to my face? Or did I just misunderstand?

Sometimes it’s easier (and it's natural!) to think the best of someone—to assume that maybe you didn’t see something you know you saw—than to admit that you may be dealing with a really toxic co-worker or just plain bad behavior.

Gaslighters work slowly and try to keep you unbalanced. Eventually, gaslighting can lead to confusion, a loss of confidence, and a compromised perception of reality, While gaslighting is insidious, there are ways to keep your eyes open for this manipulation tactic.

Don't become a victim of gaslighting in your workplace.

Signs You're Dealing With Gaslighter Behavior

The first step in stopping gaslighting is to use your emotional intelligence to recognize it and root it out. So, what does gaslighting look like in the workplace? Can a colleague or boss really make you doubt your own perception of reality?

Though no two situations are the same, Psychology Today shares some common gaslighting red flags:

1. Gaslighters Tell Obvious Lies

Your boss tells you one thing on Monday and the exact opposite on Tuesday. What should you believe? You don’t know, and that’s the point. If someone in a position of power is doing the gaslighting, it's easy to blame yourself for feeling confused. And if you’re confused, you’re easier to control.

2. Gaslighters Deny Making a Promise, Even When You Have Proof

Similarly, gaslighters use promises to extract time or work from you, only to renege once it’s time for them to pay up. By denying the promise in the first place, they get out of their obligation and make you doubt your version of events.

3. Gaslighters Make Sexist and Racist Comments and Then Deny It

Gaslighters may regularly make offensive comments—and then deny that they said them in the first place. They may even call other people for being offensive when you know who the real perpetrator is. This is akin to being "two-faced," but it's more sinister. It keeps others off balance and attempts to belittle, all in one ugly package.

4. If You Challenge Gaslighters, They Lash Out at You

“You’re being so irrational!” “Don’t you think you’re overreacting?” With these responses, the perpetrator not only dismisses your emotions, but deflects their own responsibility for their behavior. You begin to feel as if you're the one at fault.

Beyond that, they make you question your judgment and feel crazy for even speaking up, making it more likely that you’ll let it slide in the future.

4. Gaslighters Throw in Just Enough Positive Reinforcement to Confuse You

If you were constantly criticized, with no compliments balancing out the crap, you’d just quit, right? Gaslighters realize everyone has their breaking point, so they’ll string you along.

When you’ve had enough of their treatment, they’ll pepper in just enough praise to keep you from leaving them.

So if you think you're being gaslighted, what can you do? 

9 Common Gaslighter Phrases + How to Respond

Of course, every workplace gaslighting situation is unique. But gaslighters often use certain phrases or ideas when they’re manipulating. We’ve listed out a few of them to be aware of—plus, how to respond if and when someone tries to use them on you.

First, a caveat about how to respond to gaslighters. Gaslighters want you to question yourself and feel upset and unbalanced. Most of what we learned about gaslighting said that it’s best to simply not engage with them.

There’s definitely space for standing up for yourself and letting them know that you won’t be a part of their games, but sometimes, it’s best to walk away from the interaction simply.

Be the judge in the moment. And if you need to, take it to HR. 

Gaslighter Phrase 1: “You’re acting insane” or “What are you talking about?” 

Gaslighting 101: Gaslighters work hard to make you question yourself. Dr. Sarkis explains that keeping their victims off balance is essentially the point for gaslighters. If a coworker makes you question your own memory or actions, think of it as a big red flag.

By lying about an incident and then telling you that you’re the crazy one, they make you question your own lived reality.

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

We discuss this in more detail below, but we first recommend taking detailed notes of your interactions with the gaslighter. Once you’re aware you’re dealing with one, you know that you’ll have to rely on your word and experiences versus theirs.

If you write down your experiences and can refer back to them, you’re less likely to question yourself and fall victim to their manipulation tactics.

If a gaslighter tells you that you’re acting crazy, try simply saying, “Actually, I remember that happening [X] way.” The key here is to reaffirm your version of events without getting drawn into a confrontation with them.

Gaslighter Phrase 2: “I didn’t say that.” 

Again, gaslighters want you to question your own reality. It can be maddening to hear someone say something and then hear them say, “I didn’t say that.”

You start to think...well, maybe they didn’t say it, then. Maybe I’m wrong. This technique is also common with people who are considered narcissists.

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

If you know that the gaslighter did indeed say what they’re denying (which is made easier if you take notes or screenshots of the interaction), you can simply say, “Yes, you did” and then present them with your evidence.

If, however, you don’t have tangible “proof” (which—let’s be honest—would be hard to have on hand for every interaction), you can simply say something like, “Hmm. We must be remembering things differently.” Then, move on. Again, the key is to not get drawn into their drama if you can help it.

Gaslighter Phrase 3: “Don’t be so sensitive.” 

This one’s a doozy and is also often heard in situations where you’re dealing with mansplaining. First, since when is sensitivity considered a negative trait?

We think it’s good to be sensitive to your own needs and to the needs of others around you. In fact, it can be beneficial to have “sensitive” people in the workplace—they’re in tune to the overall environment and are usually empathetic and kind.

Gaslighters often imply that sensitivity is a negative trait. This might also sound like, “You just need thicker skin.”

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

There’s a lot to unpack here. Not only is the gaslighter insulting you by implying that you’re not being tough enough, but they’re also deflecting any responsibility for their own words or actions. If someone says this to you, try to react calmly and without showing them much emotion.

For example, if a coworker implies that you messed up on a work assignment and you protest, they might use this phrase. In turn, it works best if you respond with something like, “I’ve actually done [X, Y, and Z.] Do you want to go over it together?”

Gaslighter Phrase 4: “You’re remembering wrong” or “It didn’t happen that way.” 

Another phrase that shows their own denial, this one also tries to get you to question your memory—and sanity.

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

We think it’s best to keep it short here. Try something like, “Actually, I know that it happened this way. If you remember differently, we’ll just have to agree to disagree.”

Gaslighter Phrase 5: “Everyone thinks you’re crazy.”  

A particularly rough part of gaslighting is the fact that gaslighters want you to think that everyone else agrees with them—and that the whole group thinks that you’re the “crazy” one.

Not only does it make you question your own version of events, but it alienates you from the rest of the crowd, which is a lonely place to be. If you’re feeling alone and questioning yourself, you’re in a more vulnerable position.

This is right where a gaslighter wants you.

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

Before you react, realize that the gaslighter is trying to get you to feel bad about yourself. He or she wants you to feel alone. If you have a good work environment and positive rapport with your colleagues, it’s unlikely that they said anything negative about you at all.

Gaslighters thrive off of lying. For this one, we recommend taking it HR or simply saying, “I doubt that” and then disengaging from the conversation.

Gaslighter Phrase 6: “You seem unstable.” 

Ah, instability—the gaslighter’s favorite accusation! 

This phrase wills it into being for them: they want you to believe you’re unstable so that you become unstable. The more you’re feeling unstable and insecure, the more vulnerable you are to their antics.

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

A gaslighter will usually use this one if you react to their words or actions emotionally. Say you exclaim, “That’s not true!” if they describe a version of events that you know is, in fact, not true. They may quickly respond, “You seem unstable.” They want you to look emotionally unsteady and quick to anger.

If this happens to you, staying calm is your mantra. Do your best to not allow them to rile you up. It might be best to respond with, “It’s interesting that we disagree about this. It sounds like there’s no point in arguing about it, though.”

Gaslighter Phrase 7: “Don’t take it so personally.” 

Another version of “too sensitive,” telling someone that they’re taking something too personally means that the gaslighter has said something insulting and doesn’t want to take accountability for it.

This one is a cousin to the phrase, “No offense, but...” followed by something that is actually really offensive. Groan.

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

Gaslighters at work often say that they “want to help” when they’re saying something unkind or semi-insulting to you or about your work.

And the workplace is the perfect environment for this: if you react to them in an emotional way, they’ll say you’re taking something personally instead of realizing it’s about the work.

To that we say: your work is personal. Simply respond with, “I think it’s best that we provide constructive feedback rather than comments that can be construed as insulting.”

Gaslighter Phrase 8: “I’m sorry you feel that way.” 

We’re all familiar with this one—an apology that’s not an apology. If you’ve tried to express that a gaslighter’s words or actions have negatively affected you, you might hear this phrase in response. They’re not apologizing.

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

It’s simply unlikely that you’re going to hear a sincere apology from a gaslighter. In fact, we think this is about as close as you’ll get. In this instance, we think simply moving on is best.

Gaslighter Phrase 9: “I was just joking around.” 

This phrase is defensive. They’re saying that you’re too sensitive and that they didn’t do anything wrong in one fell swoop. Plus, it makes you look like you can’t take a joke.

How to Respond to the Gaslighter

If you’ve already expressed displeasure with their words or actions (which you likely did if they responded with this phrase), try reiterating your point.

Something like, “I understand if you thought that [X] was a joke, but I didn’t understand it that way. Could you explain it to me?”

How to Face Gaslighting at Work—And Win

1. Educate Yourself on Gaslighting

It’s hard not to take the insults personally. Realize that gaslighters are the ones with the problem, though. They’re trying to manipulate you, typically to regain control of their own lives or boost their bad self-esteem.

Certainly, there’s no excusing pathological behavior. But once you view their actions from that perspective, you’ll be able to take their treatment less personally and regain some power in the relationship.

2. Get Some Outside Advice

Because gaslighting clouds your own perception of the situation, confide in your family and friends for a more objective reading of what’s going on. Read up on the signs of gaslighting and familiarize yourself with some of the common phrases they use.

3. Reconnect With Your Intuition

To recover from gaslighting, you need to stand up for yourself and your emotions. But first, you need to remember what and how you feel. Victims of prolonged gaslighting often stop listening to their own voice because when they’re always criticized, what’s the point, right?

Try journaling or meditating to rekindle your inner voice. With more awareness of your emotions, you’ll be better prepared to fight for them.

4. Don't Confront Them Directly

Since gaslighters respond to criticism with personal attacks, they’ll feel threatened by any direct challenge and retaliate. They may even accuse you of gaslighting them. So as much as you can, try to avoid contact.

Instead, consult HR for strategies on minimizing your time with them. After all, that’s what they’re paid for!

5. Write It Down

But when you have to engage with a gaslighter, write down exactly what happened. Describe what happened, when it happened, and how it made you feel.

By putting it on paper, you’re taking the time to process—and validate—your own emotions, which will help you resist the manipulation. Also, the next time you’re questioning your sanity, you can read those past incidents to get the record straight.

Bonus: If the situation escalates to HR, you’ll be able to support your case with documentation of specific events.

6. Consciously Affirm Yourself

In your log, always follow up your entries with a personal affirmation: “I am valued,” “I am worthy,” “I am loved.” Even if you have to fake it at first, it’ll help you repair your self-worth after a gaslighting incident.

7. Prepare for a Struggle—And Leave if You Have To

Gaslighters thrive off of our desire for approval and fear of abandonment. And as much as they piss you off, you try to please them and fear their rejection. So prepare to second-guess yourself as you break away from their web.

And if necessary, leave your job. Your sanity and self-worth are worth more than a salary or someone else’s approval.