How to Deal With a Workplace Bully + How I Finally Confronted Mine

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute, bullying is actually four times more common than sexual harassment in the workplace. It’s also an issue that affects both women and men.

The thing about workplace bullying, however, is that it’s not easy to spot, especially given our cultural norms. For example, when I received a series of passive-aggressive emails that undercut me professionally and personally, I initially brushed them off because I was told the sender was “difficult.” At the time, I didn’t recognize these messages were inappropriate—but now, I know I was dealing with a workplace bully.

Too often women ignore or dismiss belittling behavior in the office. As women, we are conditioned to be nice, to not make waves, to submit to authority. However, the tide is turning. 

We can speak out to stop bullying, too. That's why I'm sharing my story and a thorough understanding of workplace bullying. Here's what we'll cover:

How I Confronted My Workplace Bully

How It All Began

Let’s back up a little so I can set the scene. When I experienced workplace bullying, I was starting a new job—one that required me to work directly with this colleague. Let’s call him D. We weren’t in the same department, but D played a key role in the projects I managed. He was 20 years my senior; I was in my twenties. His work was often late, which made my work late, too. This started to become a problem, so I started trying to hold D accountable for deadlines.

That’s when the bullying began.

Rather than own up to his tardiness, D belittled me via email. Once, he said he’d told my office bestie that it was a "big mistake" I’d taken this job. Other times, he’d find a way to twist a situation and blame me for his lateness. Most of the time, he was just rude, dealing out backhanded compliments with practiced ease. Communicating with him made me anxious. 

My confidence plummeted. I started thinking maybe what he told my friend was right. Maybe I wasn’t cut out for this position. D’s words had me wrapped up in a major case of impostor syndrome.

The strangest thing of all? This harassment only happened over email. We rarely saw each other since we worked in different departments.

Blame it on socialization or inexperience (or both), but I couldn’t say for sure what was going on. I knew in my gut that something was wrong. I dreaded our interactions. I think I endured D’s bad behavior for so long because I’d come to believe some of the hurtful, condescending comments he made. He’d been actively intimidating me—and it had been working—but I was too naive to see it.

How I Stood Up To My Bully

One day I got an email from D that really made me mad. I was pretty certain what he said was out of bounds—this wasn’t in my head. I went to my supervisor and told her everything. Then I asked for help. “You’re not going to like this answer,” she said. “Why is that?” I asked. “The only way to stop this is for you to confront him,” she said. “You’ve gotta call him out.” Wait, what?

Surely I’d misheard her. I figured she’d step in or send me to HR. Instead, she wanted me to talk to him. I told her I couldn’t confront him—it made me too uncomfortable. “Next time D sends an email like that, forward it to me,” she said. Inevitably, a few days later, the next email arrived. I forwarded it, thinking my supervisor would finally step in. Instead, she urged me to call him immediately and tell him to stop. That was not the answer I was hoping for.

I sat at my desk, palms sweating, and thought. I thought through what I needed to say, how I would say it, and before I could back out, I picked up the phone and dialed D’s number. When my coworker answered, he seemed startled. “D, this has to stop,” I said. “Your emails are disrespectful and unprofessional. You can’t speak to me that way.”

“OK,” he stammered. “OK,” I said abruptly. Then I hung up the phone. My hands were shaking, adrenaline pumping. I felt stunned. The person who spoke on the phone sounded strong, confident and calm—nothing like the disorganized, in-over-her-head woman D made me out to be. I liked her a lot. I wasn’t sure what the outcome of our conversation would be, but I was sure of one thing: I’d summoned the courage to confront my bully and in doing so, I rediscovered my voice.

What Happened Next

The bullying stopped. The emails became polite. My working relationship with D improved. Work became pleasant again, and I began to thrive. I thanked my boss for pushing me to be courageous and to take a stand for myself. The experience was a turning point in my career. After I spoke up to D, I wanted to speak up more. I became more assertive and engaged in meetings and conversations. My confidence grew and I embraced my new role.

I wonder sometimes if this would have happened to me if I’d been a man. Or if I wasn’t so young. Or lacking in self-confidence.

I know that I’m not alone in this experience‚ and it’s not my fault I was targeted. Forbes columnist Liz Ryan believes there’s only one reason bullying occurs in the workplace. “People will bully and try to intimidate you in the business world if their spidey sense tells them that you are someone to be reckoned with—someone to take seriously.”

While workplace bullying is often directed at one individual, it hurts everyone. “Research has shown that emotions in the workplace are contagious and that negative emotions are some of the most dangerous,” said Brandon Smith, a workplace therapist. “When bullying occurs in the workplace, people experience fear and heightened anxiety.” This lowers employee morale and in extreme cases, it causes high-performing workers to change jobs.

If you think you are being bullied at work, I urge you to take action. My biggest takeaway from dealing with my office bully? There is nothing more powerful than standing up for yourself and summoning your voice. 

A good place to start is with a thorough understanding of what exactly bullying is, how to spot it, and additional ways to confront it. Let's get into it!

What is Workplace Bullying?

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute (WBI), bullying is “repeated, health-harming mistreatment of one or more persons (the targets) by one or more perpetrators.”

The abusive behavior, which can include verbal and written abuse, is intimidating, threatening, or humiliating to the target. It will often interfere with the target’s ability to get their work done, as well as negatively impact their mental, physical, and emotional wellbeing.

We're not talking about a bad day or bad moment with a person at work. We're talking about an ongoing power imbalance where the bully makes the target ultimately feel helpless. And, unfortunately, bullying is not illegal like other forms of abuse at work such as sexual harassment. 

So how do you know the difference between what's legal and what's not? Harassment—including the kind where a hostile work environment is created—hinges on being mistreated based on a protected class, such as gender, sexual orientation, disability, race, religion, or national origin. If the mistreatment is unrelated to one of those, it might be toxic and soul-crushing, but it’s not against the law. 

And your employee handbooks, HR department, or company's policy probably doesn't mention what you can or should do when you encounter this aggression. That leaves victims of bullies feeling isolated and alone in getting support. This can lead to impacting your mental health, physical health, and other health problems long-term when the abusive conduct is not stopped.

These interactions are all too common in the workplace. In a national survey, Workplace Bullying Institute reported that 30% of adults said they have direct experience being bullied which is a 57% increase since 2017.

Do You Work With a Bully? How to Spot Bullying at Work

Do you regularly feel intimated at work? Do you work with someone that constantly puts you down, humiliates you, or treats you in ways that are inapprbriate for work? If you suspect you're got a workplace bully, you're probably right and a victim of bullying. Here are some other things bullies will do at work via in-person and/or virtually:

And here are some examples of bullying by a boss according to UC Santa Cruz:

Types of Workplace Bullies

According to WBI, the majority (61%) of workplace bullies are bosses, but that still leaves lots or room for your bully to be a peer or coworkers that even work below you.

Here's the truth about bullying—it doesn't stick to your company's org chart. You can encounter is at any level and a variety of forms. Here are few types of bullies that are common in the workplace and the behaviors they display. However, a bully can be multiple types as well. 

1. The Scary Screamer

When you picture the sterotypical bully at work, it probably includes yelling, name calling, cursing, and just an overall angry person. This is your scary screamer because they ooze intimidation with all their interactions not just with their target, but anyone they come in contact with. People try to avoid them because they're afraid of becoming the next target.

In addition to verbal abuse and verbal forms of agression that can also happen in emails, meetings, and phone calls, the bully's behavior can also include aggressive body language. Perhaps they stand over you while you're at your desk and bark orders at you.

2. The Criticizer

I would refer to my bully as "the criticizer" because I could never do anything "right" by him. The bully who loves to criticize will do it in person or virtually in emails. They knit pick at everything you do and bring attenion to any and all mistakes. 

Additionally, when you do things well the criticizer won't give you credit and compliment your good work. The criticizer likes to make you the subject of their jokes and will humiliate you in front of others.

This bully makes you start to self-doubt your work and your overall self-esteem. Eventually you start to belive you're not that good and the quality of your work might suffer or you might stop advocating for stretch assignments. This leads you to socially isolate yourself at work.

3. The Withholder

Our next bully is "the witholder" because they will often withhold the information you need to do your job well. Maybe they accuse you of not doing a project but they never told you about it. 

Some bullies manipulate their targets and withhold resources—whether that’s instructions, information, time, or help from others—setting you up to fail. This could also include giving you so much work to do with unreasonable deadlines—and then giving you a poor performance review because you're often late with assignments. 

The withholder can be co-workers or subordinates who "accidently" forget to give you a message or cc' you on an important email.

4. The Meddler

Now let's talk about the "between the scenes" meddler who pretends to be your friend, but then undermines you behind your back. To your face they compliment you but when you're not in the room or the online message, they make fun of you, start rumors, and get other people to question your skills, work quality, etc.

As their ruin your reputation, you continue to think they are your friend till you find out. When you confront this bully they will naturally deny it and start to gaslight you.

The Research Around Workplace Bullying

WBI's recent survey had many key findings that we're going to re-share because...WOW...they are eye-opening!

How To Deal With Workplace Bullying

When it comes to workplace bullying there are no immediate quick fixes, but there are some actionable ways you can confront the behavior. Here's a list to get you started: