I want to talk (ahem, rant) about the movie, How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days.
Specifically, I want to talk about the wildly unrealistic expectations early aught romcoms had on young women—in love and at work.
In How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days, journalist (and Master's degree holder) Andie Anderson (expertly played by Kate Hudson) was fed up with her career as a fashion journalist for a print magazine—mainly due to being stuck as the "How to" girl. She was unhappy, undervalued, tragically single, and—get this—23 years old. Twenty-three.
When I saw that movie for the first time, I was a senior in high school, so 23 probably still seemed like a far-off age.
But now? After several recessions, a pandemic, and roughly 20 years, I get a kick out of the fact that Andie Anderson was that young—and she didn't have her career or her love life quite figured out. To this, I ask, who does? If I had my life "figured out" at 23 years old, I shudder to think what it might look like by now.
A Little More Ranting, Then I'll Get to the Point
Many of us "'xennials" grew up on these movies that made us feel like we were always behind the ball—if not professionally, then definitely romantically.
In My Best Friend's Wedding, renowned food critic Julia Roberts was 27 years old–and while her career was great, she was dangerously close to thirty, and thus, spinsterhood—which launched her into some arguably monstrous behavior around her male best friend's wedding. Don't even get me started about how we were all convinced that Renee Zellweger was grossly overweight in Bridget Jones's Diary.
I'm almost done ranting, but if you want to go down a Hollywood rom-com rabbit hole, be my guest.
Age is a number, it is—and it's pretty meaningless. There are no deadlines to achieve anything by a certain age. Just make sure to pay your taxes every year and to call your mom on her birthday.
Each year, I use my birthday to share the most important career lessons I have learned so far—and how they fit into my own life. Maybe it will be helpful or maybe I'm indulging in some navel-gazing, but let's jump in.
Lesson #1: You Should Never Be Done Learning
I'm always writing about this for Career Contessa—and it's because I truly believe it. You are never done learning. I didn't even know my "career" existed until it was presented as a learning opportunity—only months shy of my 30th birthday.
Careers are not static things, nor should they be treated that way. Technology is changing every day. How we communicate, digest media, and interact with others is constantly evolving—and so should we.
That's why our CEO, Lauren McGoodwin, sort of declared that the dream job is dead. It can't exist because nobody knows the ending to the dream in the first place. Try not to get stuck looking for the title or that salary. The title is just a title and the salary is just a salary.
If you remain open to learning and growing, your career will accompany you.
Lesson #2: Negative Things Can Turn Into Real Positives
Don't worry; I'm not about to tell you everything happens for a reason—so you can unclench your jaw.
The toughest things to happen to us or around us can shape us—if we let them. They cause us to look inside, really uncomfortably deeply, cavernously within ourselves, and root out the bad habits and bad cycles. From there, we decide what's next.
If you had told me this a decade ago, as I broken-heartedly cried alone in a conference room at work, I'd have meekly said okay while giving you double middle fingers in my head.
At age 30, I was engaged with a great job and a wedding date seven months down the line—until I got a call from a person who, in the space of two minutes, became an ex-fiance, ex-roommate, my sworn enemy (hey, I'm being honest!) and the impetus for transforming my entire life.
It hurt. It threw me into a lengthy depression, racked up some serious therapy bills, and it taught gave me several of the most important lessons I'd ever learn, which brings me to my next big lesson.
Lesson #3: If You Choose to Have A Partner, They Better Be Your Biggest Cheerleader
This was a really difficult lesson to learn, but I did—and it hurt.
I had to pick myself up and forge ahead on my own. It sucked, but it was the most important thing I ever did for my life and my career.
Before we get into romantic or domestic partnerships, let's talk about our relationships with our real number one, ourselves. Before you ever enter a partnership with someone, make sure you've learned how to take care of you. Make sure you have your own interests, hobbies, friends, and values.
Be your own best partner first.
If you're going to let some lucky duck enter your life, make sure they're on board with your success, your future, and your goals. Lifelong partnerships aren't easy, but your partner needs to act as a column for you to lean on, not a detonator ready to blow up your entire structure of success.
Lesson #4: Your Path is Not Written (And It Can Change!)
While we're on the subject of a dream job—and how it's more of a fantasy—let's talk about your career path. It's not a straight road toward one thing. It should curve, pitch, and throw you off balance occasionally. These unexpected bumps are usually what end up illuminating an entirely new path.
I'm not saying you shouldn't set ambitious goals or change your career path every two years. Rather, I'm saying you should be open to new opportunities that aren't necessarily "on the path". You never really know where they can take you.
Your career changes because—spoiler alert!—you change! Be open to changes. Don't say no to opportunities that present because they're not "part of the plan" or "in your job description".
Lesson #5: Mistakes Are Actually Delicious (Learn From Them)
I can track some of my biggest learnings to horrific mistakes. Mistakes can be super embarrassing and discouraging, especially in the workplace.
However, it's really what you do in the face of a mistake or a misstep that leads to real growth. Mistakes I've made? I once lied to my boss (and got caught) in my first post-college "real" job. I've neglected to speak up or offer a better solution for fear of rocking the boat.
And I've made simple mistakes, like forgetting to spell-check an important email or neglecting to follow-up with someone who had helped me out.
It's what you do after making a mistake that is the difference between regret and growth.
This means living in the mess of a particular mistake for a minute. It means resisting the urge to brush it off or pass the blame to another—and instead to (as Lisa Rinna famously repeats on Real Housewives of Beverly Hills) "own it." After "owning it", sit in it for a minute. Don't let the moment pass without a learning experience.
I actually stole this 5-step method to own your mistake from Amy Morin at Forbes—and I find it extremely helpful
- Acknowledge your error
- Ask yourself tough questions
- Make a plan
- Make it harder to mess up
- Create a list of reasons that you don't want to make the mistake again
Lastly, we are all humans. As such, we all make mistakes—and we will continue to do so until we leave this planet. My advice is simple; learn from your mistakes.
Lesson #6: Self-Awareness + You're Doing Better Than You Think
That's right, you are!
I haven't tried putting positive post-it notes on my bathroom mirror yet. However, if I did, this would be the one. You are doing better than you think. Try not to compare yourself to others too much.
In my case, it took me over 30 years to realize that my introversion was actually fine. It's a big part of who I am—and who I have always been. I can admire people who are great at casual conversation. I can marvel at those who are incredible public speakers. I can look up to those who float through human interaction with ease—and I can also be okay with the fact that I'm not like that.
There's always going to be someone more this or better at that. But, here's my argument: who cares? You're doing you. Your success is defined and measured by you—not by your parents, your friends, an Instagram influencer, or anyone else.
Give yourself a break. Celebrate your wins. Do your thing. Maybe I have been reading too many baby books to my son, but you're the best at doing you—and you're doing it perfectly.
Lesson #7: Practice Patience
Early in my career, I remember having this desperate feeling of knowing nobody; this feeling that I knew nothing about anything.
Early career anxiety is real. So is mid-career anxiety. So is new-mom anxiety. So is C-Suite, top of the rock, superstar anxiety. You'll always have some sort of gut check with your internal dialogue, so let it ride.
Careers can be long, so ride it out. Enjoy the highs, let go of the grudges, create habits and rituals that invite success, and keep moving.
Lesson #8: Despite Appearances, Humility is Important
Is it just me or is humility underrated? I consider myself lucky to work in a truly team-based environment. This means we celebrate wins together—and egos can get lost.
I have a feeling that hubris, bravado, and peacocking are no longer going to be the mainstays of the workplace for much longer—or I hope.
Lesson #9: Don't Look At Anybody Else's Homework
I stole this one from Nell Diamond of Hill House Home, the home of the nap dress. Yes, you can nap in them.
This is a tough one—and I still struggle with it. If you've held any job, you also know that almost every organization is putting on a little razzle-dazzle for you. Don't get distracted by it.
Diamond puts it way more succinctly, explaining,
"Early in my career, my parents told me to keep my blinders on as much as possible, and put my head down and do my own work. It relates to doing your homework when you’re young, and it relates to your work later—when you’re looking over your desk to the next table, I think it pushes you off your direction.”
Social media and marketing techniques exist to make everyone and everything seem glossier and more successful than in actuality. Just try to remember that the next time you get stuck in an ugly comparison trap—whether personally or professionally.
Lesson #10: Go to The Dentist (Like, Now!)
This one isn't career-related, but your teeth are part of you, so it sort of is.
Go to the dentist. Get your cleanings twice a year. Floss every day! They're not kidding about that part. There's the kind of crown that you get for being a total queen—and then there are the types of crowns that cost thousands of dollars and live in the back of your mouth. You don't want those crowns.
Take care of your health (mentally, physically, and emotionally) because that is really the thing that matters.
In Conclusion
My dad used to say, "You could fill volumes with what you don't know," and, while he may have been trying to get a rise out of me, he was right. I think it's important to know that there's always more to know.
I'm always open to learning—and I'm sure I'll learn so much more when it comes to my career, my personal life, and who I am. I look forward to it.
I think cultivating an openness to learning is at the core of being a good employee—and a good human. Thanks for listening.
